disapointing others

So I just got a response back from Texas Tech, after turning down their offer of admission. They were the first ones to offer me admission and an assistantship and I had been talking on the phone and emailing back and forth with an advisor about numerous details. Since I hadn't received a fiscally viable alternative I had started to think and get excited about going to Lubbock. About a week and a half ago I received an assistantship offer for GSU. While GSU is a better choice for me in a number of ways, my decision still wasn't easy becuase, again, fiscally, Texas Tech would be a lot cheaper.

On paper, and even in my mind I am confident I made the right decision, yet it still haunts me that maybe i didn't. It is tough because before there were all these possible tracks and now they have all been abruptly closed - but that is the nature of this sort of thing.

The advisor I had been talking about said something like (Of course, I am disapointed, but I wish you the best of luck). I felt really bad even though there is no real good reason to and I would probably have had the same feeling had i turned down a different school. The root of me feeling bad, was of course "disapointing him" which can be seen as "having a 'not perfect'/good image in his eyes." I also felt tied to Texas Tech because I had been talking to them so much and they are trying so hard to make their program great and court people, I almost wanted to go there just so that I could say thank you and job well done with the admission process....of course, though, this is not how to pick a graduate school (I do wish there was some way I could rate how they handled the admission process - A+).....

Anyways this all comes back to the one thing that seems to be at the root of all my frustration and lack of success - my constant concern with other's perceptions of me....I simply can't handle people having a low opinion of me or people not liking me or respecting me.

This I must meditate on.

let's push things forrrrwwwwwaaarrddd

it is easy to get into the mode of PROVING others wrong or arguing/debating with others on points you are SURE are right....like why not to be a devout fundamentalist christian or something....but it is important not to get sucked in....to stay positive and work on creating (positively), establishing, and understanding (positively) your worldview

Important trait for Philosopher - Turn on/off questioning

To be able to turn on and off your deep hard questioning manner.....

Be able to complete give into an experience fully.....but also be able to later question it fully....this is the key for a philosopher....