So I just got a response back from Texas Tech, after turning down their offer of admission. They were the first ones to offer me admission and an assistantship and I had been talking on the phone and emailing back and forth with an advisor about numerous details. Since I hadn't received a fiscally viable alternative I had started to think and get excited about going to Lubbock. About a week and a half ago I received an assistantship offer for GSU. While GSU is a better choice for me in a number of ways, my decision still wasn't easy becuase, again, fiscally, Texas Tech would be a lot cheaper.
On paper, and even in my mind I am confident I made the right decision, yet it still haunts me that maybe i didn't. It is tough because before there were all these possible tracks and now they have all been abruptly closed - but that is the nature of this sort of thing.
The advisor I had been talking about said something like (Of course, I am disapointed, but I wish you the best of luck). I felt really bad even though there is no real good reason to and I would probably have had the same feeling had i turned down a different school. The root of me feeling bad, was of course "disapointing him" which can be seen as "having a 'not perfect'/good image in his eyes." I also felt tied to Texas Tech because I had been talking to them so much and they are trying so hard to make their program great and court people, I almost wanted to go there just so that I could say thank you and job well done with the admission process....of course, though, this is not how to pick a graduate school (I do wish there was some way I could rate how they handled the admission process - A+).....
Anyways this all comes back to the one thing that seems to be at the root of all my frustration and lack of success - my constant concern with other's perceptions of me....I simply can't handle people having a low opinion of me or people not liking me or respecting me.
This I must meditate on.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
let's push things forrrrwwwwwaaarrddd
it is easy to get into the mode of PROVING others wrong or arguing/debating with others on points you are SURE are right....like why not to be a devout fundamentalist christian or something....but it is important not to get sucked in....to stay positive and work on creating (positively), establishing, and understanding (positively) your worldview
Important trait for Philosopher - Turn on/off questioning
To be able to turn on and off your deep hard questioning manner.....
Be able to complete give into an experience fully.....but also be able to later question it fully....this is the key for a philosopher....
Be able to complete give into an experience fully.....but also be able to later question it fully....this is the key for a philosopher....
Monday, March 23, 2009
The Slut versus The Saint
Why shouldn't I live for the moment. If all we can ever experience is the moment and there is no Final Judgment, than it seems the only thing with value is your individual feeling/emotion/mindset. If that is the case than why shouldn't we just spend every moment of everyday mindlessly indulging in our passions?
The reasons (1) I don't believe in being a slut (2) are because sluts inefficiently acheive their goal, the range of passion/experience is limited, and it is unsustainable.
1. Indulging in your passions every moment of every day will never successful satisfy or quench your passions. You have to be aware of deep-rooted passions/desires and exactly what it is you are passionate about (your mind makes ridiculous associations sometimes and you can think that you desire something but you really desire what it is that is associated with it in your mind).
2. The amount of passion/emotion you can feel is goin to be limited if you are never making achievements or moving past the moment. The feeling of summiting a mountain, for instance (metaphorically or not). Plus (almost worthy of another bullet) these of the moment pleasures/passions/emotions can be experienced anytime (for instance, after you discover that you don't like summiting a mountain as much), while the other longer term experiences/passions can't be experienced 'anytime.'
3. What I have called its unsustainability is really two major points. One is that you (probably) would get sick of all of the momentary pleasures. I think even a blumpkin could get old after a while. Secondly I have reason to believe that as humans we have a certain Ontological Interest that requires us to give long-term meaning to our actions. I elaborated on this more on a different blog.
My answer to the question "How should one live?" is that one should strive for knowledge about oneself, one's deepest passions and yearnings and as he continues to discover these he should courageously try to quench and satisfy these passions to the best of his ability (3). I don't believe in living for any other reason or goal, but in no way plan to defend that position here (Questions/Challenges of course welcomed) Is what I propose even sensical though? Can one be both the explorer and the subject explored? Whether these are contradictions or not, It makes sense to me and I currently know of no better way to proceed.
(1) At least the reasons I am conscious of. This question came about most forcibly when I broke up with my first real girlfriend and, although I hate to think about it, I am sure my emotions greatly influenced my conclusions. We had what I considered a really intense relationship and then it slowly died out and when we split ways, from what i could tell (she wouldn't really talk about it), she had come to despise me. This was devastating to me since I had (foolishly) come to associate my happiness and perception of self with her opinion of me. In order to dig myself out of this depression I (sometimes almost unconsciously) had to convince myself that her opinion was wrong, and as I think is common in a lot of relationships, that I was the 'better' one. Since she was a very passionate live-for-the-moment person, who didn't seem to think about her long-term happiness or goals, I WANTED (again whether consciously or not) to prove her outlook wrong, thus her opinion didn't matter and I didn't have to believe I was as pathetic as she thought I was. Although she wasn't a slut, this was only because (im guessing) she lacked the courage and feared being called one.
(2) By slut I am referring to someone who indulges in their passions each moment without concern for the long-term or anything other than the moment (I guess hedonism works too, but I am not as familiar with that). Maybe I choose slut because to me the number one passion/pleasure/moment one can have is in orgasm. Of course I do not consider sluts necessarily bad (at least at this point), in fact I think they are almost universally more commendable than those who get their sense of well-being by condemning/judging others (like those who use slut hatefully).
(3) I hope to do a post(s) explaining what these passions are, but I do belive they will be fluid, since nothing static exists.
The reasons (1) I don't believe in being a slut (2) are because sluts inefficiently acheive their goal, the range of passion/experience is limited, and it is unsustainable.
1. Indulging in your passions every moment of every day will never successful satisfy or quench your passions. You have to be aware of deep-rooted passions/desires and exactly what it is you are passionate about (your mind makes ridiculous associations sometimes and you can think that you desire something but you really desire what it is that is associated with it in your mind).
2. The amount of passion/emotion you can feel is goin to be limited if you are never making achievements or moving past the moment. The feeling of summiting a mountain, for instance (metaphorically or not). Plus (almost worthy of another bullet) these of the moment pleasures/passions/emotions can be experienced anytime (for instance, after you discover that you don't like summiting a mountain as much), while the other longer term experiences/passions can't be experienced 'anytime.'
3. What I have called its unsustainability is really two major points. One is that you (probably) would get sick of all of the momentary pleasures. I think even a blumpkin could get old after a while. Secondly I have reason to believe that as humans we have a certain Ontological Interest that requires us to give long-term meaning to our actions. I elaborated on this more on a different blog.
My answer to the question "How should one live?" is that one should strive for knowledge about oneself, one's deepest passions and yearnings and as he continues to discover these he should courageously try to quench and satisfy these passions to the best of his ability (3). I don't believe in living for any other reason or goal, but in no way plan to defend that position here (Questions/Challenges of course welcomed) Is what I propose even sensical though? Can one be both the explorer and the subject explored? Whether these are contradictions or not, It makes sense to me and I currently know of no better way to proceed.
(1) At least the reasons I am conscious of. This question came about most forcibly when I broke up with my first real girlfriend and, although I hate to think about it, I am sure my emotions greatly influenced my conclusions. We had what I considered a really intense relationship and then it slowly died out and when we split ways, from what i could tell (she wouldn't really talk about it), she had come to despise me. This was devastating to me since I had (foolishly) come to associate my happiness and perception of self with her opinion of me. In order to dig myself out of this depression I (sometimes almost unconsciously) had to convince myself that her opinion was wrong, and as I think is common in a lot of relationships, that I was the 'better' one. Since she was a very passionate live-for-the-moment person, who didn't seem to think about her long-term happiness or goals, I WANTED (again whether consciously or not) to prove her outlook wrong, thus her opinion didn't matter and I didn't have to believe I was as pathetic as she thought I was. Although she wasn't a slut, this was only because (im guessing) she lacked the courage and feared being called one.
(2) By slut I am referring to someone who indulges in their passions each moment without concern for the long-term or anything other than the moment (I guess hedonism works too, but I am not as familiar with that). Maybe I choose slut because to me the number one passion/pleasure/moment one can have is in orgasm. Of course I do not consider sluts necessarily bad (at least at this point), in fact I think they are almost universally more commendable than those who get their sense of well-being by condemning/judging others (like those who use slut hatefully).
(3) I hope to do a post(s) explaining what these passions are, but I do belive they will be fluid, since nothing static exists.
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