ahhhhh

so after long deep convo i am left completely unsettled and feeling as though i don't and can't know anything...

the things i do "know" all seem to be really depressing too.....the fact that I will die at some point....my time is limited here.....my experiences are limited....., also the fact that there is no way I will ever come close to the amount of self-knowledge and world-knowledge to be able to have the amount of understanding to know what is best....

where to go from here..??

You do have to create your own meaning in life and define for yourself what a successful life is.....the key to this may be to make sure it is broad and open enough that it can include new understandings and new knowledge, yet specific enough that it is meaningful and allows you to assertively act.....maybe this means you have to continually redefine a "successful life" as you gain more knowledge....this IS what it means.....

The first thing it seems is to understand what experiences have what kind of value to you. It seems like all that matters is accumulating moments and "experiences" that have value for you. An example would be if in defining a successful life I placed the highest value and singular value on sex than my actions should all lead toward the goal of maximizing the amount of sex experiences i have.

Can philosophical thinking have this value?? It is a pleasure but not a sensory one.

Things that carry value for me (not yet ordered)
- sex
- cuddling
- exerting effort
- understanding??


.....haven't I already talked about this....ya i kind of did

Inspirational quotes just made up

Do you have the courage to be a warrior for yourself, to overcome and defeat the question "But what will they think of me..? Will they think im a crazy, a pervert, a fool? If you are sincere the ones that think such things are not the ones for you.

I am not sorry, I do not regret it, I acted with full knowledge and with full courage, I am unconcerned whether or not you liked it, My only concern can only ever be my own self voyage.

maxims

Must gain more knowledge about these things...
-I how the world works...(you can't stay neutral on a moving train)
-II what makes a happy life

VALUE - you can't be neutral on a moving train

it's all about values....what does our current world value....what values are promoted (even if accidently)....what values are worth holding....you have to create a worldview that valuates everything and knows what is what and then forces that distribution of value and their perspective on the world.....ATTACKS

disapointing others

So I just got a response back from Texas Tech, after turning down their offer of admission. They were the first ones to offer me admission and an assistantship and I had been talking on the phone and emailing back and forth with an advisor about numerous details. Since I hadn't received a fiscally viable alternative I had started to think and get excited about going to Lubbock. About a week and a half ago I received an assistantship offer for GSU. While GSU is a better choice for me in a number of ways, my decision still wasn't easy becuase, again, fiscally, Texas Tech would be a lot cheaper.

On paper, and even in my mind I am confident I made the right decision, yet it still haunts me that maybe i didn't. It is tough because before there were all these possible tracks and now they have all been abruptly closed - but that is the nature of this sort of thing.

The advisor I had been talking about said something like (Of course, I am disapointed, but I wish you the best of luck). I felt really bad even though there is no real good reason to and I would probably have had the same feeling had i turned down a different school. The root of me feeling bad, was of course "disapointing him" which can be seen as "having a 'not perfect'/good image in his eyes." I also felt tied to Texas Tech because I had been talking to them so much and they are trying so hard to make their program great and court people, I almost wanted to go there just so that I could say thank you and job well done with the admission process....of course, though, this is not how to pick a graduate school (I do wish there was some way I could rate how they handled the admission process - A+).....

Anyways this all comes back to the one thing that seems to be at the root of all my frustration and lack of success - my constant concern with other's perceptions of me....I simply can't handle people having a low opinion of me or people not liking me or respecting me.

This I must meditate on.

let's push things forrrrwwwwwaaarrddd

it is easy to get into the mode of PROVING others wrong or arguing/debating with others on points you are SURE are right....like why not to be a devout fundamentalist christian or something....but it is important not to get sucked in....to stay positive and work on creating (positively), establishing, and understanding (positively) your worldview

Important trait for Philosopher - Turn on/off questioning

To be able to turn on and off your deep hard questioning manner.....

Be able to complete give into an experience fully.....but also be able to later question it fully....this is the key for a philosopher....